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Why I have given up the word "sorry" for Lent


I will confess that I am not overly religious and haven't really observed lent past eating pancakes on Shove Tuesday for years. 

But this year I decided to give up the word sorry.

Like the vast majority of British people I over use this word.  Most sentences start with or include the word sorry.  I apologise for everything, ... the weather, someone else having a bad day, my children being normal children. for being completely unavoidably late....... the list goes on.

In fact it's so normal to me I didn't really realise how much I apologised for things that really beyond my control and not my fault until it was pointed out to me.  Then I started to think about it and notice myself doing it.  And I started to notice others around me doing it too.

At first I thought this was a "quirk" of the British language.  A harmless, quaint British thing.  Something that is part of our culture.  As my mother in law would say "politeness costs nothing" and often saying sorry can feel like the polite way to respond.

But over the last year or so I have started to realise that sometimes saying sorry for something beyond your control can be toxic.

Sounds dramatic but let me give you an example;
A while back I had a client booked to come to my home for a baby wearing consultation. My client was 20 minutes late, because her just 2 week old had had a huge poo as she was leaving the house and it was her first time out going somewhere she needed to be at a specific time and so what could go wrong did.  Frankly it was a miracle she was only 20 minutes late, she'd messaged me so I knew and wasn't inconvenienced in the least. But as she came in she was apologising loads and looked really stressed.  It wasn't her fault, and I really didn't mind, .... we've all been there! 
Then over the course of our consult her baby needed a feed, needed another change, had a small posit that needed cleaning up, cried a little and needed a calm and a cuddle.  Each time this wonderful new parent apologised.  She apologised for completely biologically normal behaviour.  She was basically apologising for having a 2 week old.  And each time she said the word "sorry" I saw the stress, and the guilt, she had for her baby needing things and for her needing an extra moment.  I saw how toxic each sorry was, with each sorry her mind was subconsciously accepting that this was all her fault... that she was some how fault, she was doing it all wrong or something just because things weren't going more smoothly.  When in fact all I saw was an amazing parent doing her absolute best.  I reassured her, gave her time and support she needed.  Because parenting is hard, life with a 2 week old is a huge adjustment.  

It reminded me so much of myself as a new parent, feeling awful and apologising for every little thing.

It is NOT your fault if your baby poo's right as your leaving your door.  Better to be late and ensure your baby is comfortable than turning up on time with a sore and unhappy baby.

It is NOT your fault if your baby needs a feed!  
Nor if they need a change or anything else.  Its NOT your baby's fault either.

You are doing amazingly mama!  We all are. We are doing the best we possibly can!

This consult and many others like it and many Tea, Cake and Parenting social mornings have made me absolutely and utterly convinced this little word "Sorry" is the source of so much parent guilt.  This little social quirk that makes us say sorry for everything is subconsciously compounding feelings like we should somehow being doing better rather than just accepting that stuff happens with a new baby.

So what is the solution?
Much of the time we can simply replace the word sorry with thank you.  i.e.
  • Rather than "sorry I was late" - "Thank you for waiting for me"
  • Rather than "sorry, I think I need a break to feed her, is that alright?" - "My baby needs a feed, thank you for providing me with a comfortable place for me to take care of her needs" or "thank your for your patience while we take a break to feed"
  • And "sorry my baby has been sick everywhere" becomes "thank your for helping me clear up" 
Interestingly since I have started thanking people rather than apologising I have started seeing and appreciating my "village" of people who want to support and help me.  From those I know well to people I've only just met.  I have gone from feeling often like I am making mistakes to feeling supported.  Amazing how changing one little word can totally change how you feel.

Don't get me wrong, I will still say I am sorry if I stand on someones foot or genuinely make a mistake or want to express my condolences.  I will apologise when I genuinely am sorry, but for everything else I am being thankful instead.

-Madeleine


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